published Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

5-at-10: Shiny Pearl, bracket tips, Tiger's back and Rushmores

And with one eye-popping line across the ticker, Auburn basketball was reborn.

Auburn hired Bruce Pearl, and with that, Auburn AD Jay Jacobs has re-constructed his legacy — a legacy that 18 months ago looked to be doomed and forever to marred by the Gene Chizik and Tony Barbee debacles.

Now, Jacobs has assembled Gus Malzahn and Pearl, a duo in their respective positions that ranks no worse than third in the country behind the pair at Michigan State and THE Ohio State, and right there with the Duke tandem.

Pearl got a six-year deal that will pay him almost $15 million. In his typical showman style, Pearl sprung for almost $2,100 in pizza for the hundreds of students who were waiting for him when he arrived in Auburn. It was reported that former assistant Tony Jones and his son Stephen Pearl will join his staff at Auburn.

The ripples of this hire for the league — and Pearl's perplexing decision to take on arguably the biggest reclamation project in the South since that war criminal Sherman left — are wide-reaching, and as ace TFP columnist Mark Wiedmer tells us here, almost completely good.

It's nearly impossible to see a bad angle on this hire because even if Pearl dives right back into the NCAA hot water, what has Auburn lost? If they are put on a two-year tournament ban, oh well. They've been on a self-imposed stinky decade-long tournament ban.

Also, to go from perspective to Civil War to metaphysical, there are a few lifelong lessons that we can collect here:

1) Patience. It would have been easy to run Jacobs after the meltdown that was the 3-9 2012 season and the all the filth muck that was the athletics department. This applies to a slew of levels of athletics — be it coaching or administrators.

2) Everyone deserves a second-chance.

3) Whether it's a job, a date to the prom with the cheerleader or whatever, just ask. Ask. The worst they can say is no, and in a million years, we had zero belief that Pearl would take on the Auburn project. So Jacobs asked and Pearl listened and the next thing you know, it's Tuesday of the first round of the NCAA tournament — we're 36 hours before the ball is tipped for crying out loud — and we're talking about Auburn basketball. We're not talking about practice, we're talking about the Plains. Heck, Auburn was trending on Twitter around lunchtime Tuesday. For basketball.

———

Tournament

Let's take a look at the draw and how we pick our bracket.

We work backward. We decide on our Final Four — the teams we believe to be the best that are playing well right now — and draw from the four back to round one. This means we have penciled in the four — Florida, Arizona, Michigan State and Louisville — we picked Monday. Yes, it means we have the same Final Four as the President, and that means we are definitely going to have to enter a second bracket now.

When we first put that quartet down, we felt good about having a mix of 1 seeds and other seeds. When we saw the released Vegas odds — those four are the four favorites to win the whole thing according to the guys in Sin City who so this for a living — we felt simultaneously good and bad. You never want to walk straight favorites, but these are the Vegas favorites not the selection committee favorites.

So we're sticking there — although we boldly pronounced Syracuse as our team in lat January, and the Orange's implosion in the final furlong has made us reverse course, which naturally means they are going to win it all — and now the scoring tricks come in.

It's great to be the guy that picks Florida Gulf Coast winning a couple of games, but in most of those cases, those are only a few points. Yes, upsets happen, and even in a year when we do not have a clear-cut double-digit seed that seems to be peaking, upsets will happen this week too. But picking a winning sheet is about calculated risk and hedging point loss.

If you had FGC last year, you likely picked a slew of early upsets, and while you got to brag about being the one that nailed the 15 over the 2, you likely lost ground overall because you picked several other upsets that may not have hit.

So calculate, and hedge, and by hedging, if you are riding a No. 4 seed — like Michigan State and Louisville — do not be shy about picking the 12 over the 5 in that bracket. This proves wise in two directions: 1) We know a 12 will beat a 5 this weekend since it has happened in 23 of the last 25 tournaments; 2) If those 5 seeds — St. Louis or Cincinnati — make a run beyond the first weekend, that means they have knocked out No. 4 seeds we are riding into the Final Four, so our sheet is dead anyway.

Also, as you are trying to collect early-round scraps from Long Rebound's table, know that No. 9s have won over 8s almost 55 percent of the time. So pick two 9s — we like Pittsburgh and Oklahoma State, but you can mix and match them.

Next, remember that more times than not there is one bracket that works almost exactly according to the seeds and then there is one bracket that becomes bedlam. Those are completely up in the air.

Also, we will post our early list of entries in our "First-out, last-in challenge" and some of the prizes will include some TFP gear and something from the Final Four — be it a T-shirt or hat or whatever. Also remember to play in the Press Row bracket through espn.com. Here are the details: Contestants must have an account on www.ESPN.com to enter. If they don't have one, they must create one. Click on "Tournament Challenge" under the "Fantasy & Games" tab. Search for the group name "ESPN 105.1 The Zone." Use the password "chattanooga." One bracket per player and prizes are still to be determined.

————

Tiger's back

The ups and downs of Tiger Woods since his car accident Thanksgiving 2008 and the subsequent fall-out that revealed his private life turmoil have been well-documented.

Once considered a lock to break Jack Nicklaus' all-time majors record of 18, Woods has not won a major title since the U.S. Open of '08 and the future looks limited.

Sure, Woods won multiple times last year and led the PGA Tour in victories and money, but he was a factor in only half the majors. For most every other golfer on the planet, that's a career year. For Tiger, that's a "What happened and can he recover" year.

Sure, that's a testament to the standard he set in a magical decade from 1997-2008 when the question before every major was, "Tiger or the field?" and more times than not you took Tiger.

But it's also something he readily admits. He has repeatedly said he will be judged by the major championships and he's winless going on five-plus seasons.

And we can debate whether his game was cooked mentally or whether he had lost his intimidation factor or what have you, but his biggest hurdle now appears his health. Even more troubling for Tiger fans, is that those health-related questions center on a balky back that could portend struggles for the rest of his career.

Woods pulled out of the Arnold Palmer Invitational because of back issues and his presence at the Masters next month is at least in question.

————

This and that

— Not since Lance Armstrong has a story moved me less than this entire Phil Jackson to the Knicks stuff. Whatever. That said, it dawns on us that Jackson now faces the cross road of tarnishing the best reputation in team sports since Red Auerbach put out his cigar. A disaster in the Big Apple will push the Zen Master a step closer to Bill Parcels, who built a monster with the Giants and then limited out of sight with mercenary stints in Dallas and Miami. That said, if Jackson turns the dumpster fire that is the Knicks into a winner, he moves to the far left on the Rushmore of all-time professional coaches/executives.

— Cam Newton will have ankle surgery and will be sidelined for four months. That's less than desirable for a Panthers team that was a win from the NFC title game last year and will need Newton to connect with a new receiving corps sooner rather than later.

— UT faces Iowa tonight in the NCAA play-in game. We expect this experienced Vols bunch to play very well. We also hate the fact that this is called the "first round" that's so confusing. Also, they better be real careful with these play-in games butting up against the start of the tournament. Sure the brackets are far from the minds of the NCAA folks that run the Dance. But even as popular as the tournament is, if they limit participation in brackets because legit teams that can win a game or two are in the play-in game — like Tennessee or Iowa against a mediocre UMass team — then the Dance will certainly feel the effects. Yes, everyone loves the drama, but unless you have a vested interest, you are not as connected and the bracket gives an estimated 100 million people a vested interest.

— We are planning on having former Signal Mountain High and current Kentucky Wildcats quarterback Reese Phillips on Press Row today around 4:30. Give it a listen — don't cost nothing.

————

Today's question

Feel free to flow freely.

If you need talking points:

Final grade for Will Wade and the Mocs after year one is officially complete?

As we detailed on Press Row, Vince Vaughn bought the L.A. house owned most recently by Lane Kiffin. Wells asked us on the air, the three potential things Kiffin may have left behind by accident. Thoughts? Or what is your Rushmore of Vince Vaughn movies?

Also, we've had pro day for Teddy Bridgewater and Blake Bortles goes today, so two of the top three quarterbacks on almost every draft board will have complete once overs. Bridgewater was erratic in the throwing drills; Bortles appears to be getting knocked for being "too cool." Can there be a thing as being too cool or is that like being too rich?

Discuss.

about Jay Greeson...

Jay was named the Sports Editor of the Times Free Press in 2003 and started with the newspaper in May 2002 as the Deputy Sports Editor. He was born and raised in Smyrna, Ga., and graduated from Auburn University before starting his newspaper career in 1997 with the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald. Stops in Clayton and Henry counties in Georgia and two years as the Sports Editor of the Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal preceded Jay’s ...

25
Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
jomo11 said...

Jay- your right, Phil Jackson story - BORING. . .Auburn hit a massive home run with Pearl . . .Do you think this is a situation where football money and exposure helps basketball ? Pearl can see that with the national brand Auburn has built he can capitalize on that name brand with recruiting nationally.. . .i entered the 105.1 bracket contest, sent in my picks, My question is, who will finish second to me ?

March 19, 2014 at 10:12 a.m.
MocTastic said...

The best reputation in basketball in moving from a player to the front office? That would be none other than the logo of the NBA himself, former SoCon player, Jerry West. One of the best players ever and one of the best GMs ever. He put in the work, he would show up at Podunk Univ in the middle of nowhere to watch a kid play. I doubt I will see Phil Jackson doing that.

Final grade for Wade and the Mocs: B+
A win in the postseason would have pushed it to an A-. Several postseason wins would have pushed it to a solid A. Remember, this was effectively the same team that got Shulman fired. They added a frosh PG who started, but only played limited minutes and averaged 5.5 ppg. This team was minus a 6-9 starting center and two 6-7 reserves who played significant minutes last year. The only incoming height was a 6-7 frosh who averaged 1.5 ppg. The backup post player, notice I said player, not players, was a kid recruited by Shulman as a point guard. While being listed as 6-5, he is legitimately 6-4 at best on a very tall day. Wade worked miracles.

March 19, 2014 at 10:12 a.m.
titanic said...

Vince has had some good and bad, but personally I like:

Clay Pigeons, Wedding Crashers, Old School, and Dodgeball.

March 19, 2014 at 10:15 a.m.
mcpell3 said...

Question - Does Pearl even need to hit the recruiting trail, or is this a case of "hire him & they will come"?

Wade & Mocs - A-, good job coaching with someone else's players.

Jomo - you don't have to worry about me being 2nd, I'll probably be the usual DAL.

March 19, 2014 at 10:26 a.m.
dawg747 said...

Ten Cup: Nice talking to you and Paschall on 105.1 yesterday. I was the one to mention Vince Dooley and Hugh Durham for the Rushmore.

As for the Mocs I would give them a solid B. It would have been a B+ or an A with one Soucon Tournament win and a win last night. I am really looking forward to this team playing next year I really believe they WILL WADE make the Big Dance.

Picks: First Out: Virginia Last In: North Dakota State

March 19, 2014 at 10:34 a.m.
chas9 said...

Don't kid yourself. Twitter feed trends are fleeting things.

Solution to so-called-first-round confusion is to cut back to the golden number of 64.

Please ask Reese if he's Joker's love child. Or Bum's.

Sherman was better that you unreconstructed Rebels think. Ahead of his time. Read some real history for a change.

I like Cutcliffe, and Dook graduates almost all of its football players year after year. But under the Vol castoff, the Devils are 31-44 regular season and 0-2 in wannabe bowl games. So wait a bit before declaring him and Coach K world class dynamic duos.

I like Steven Pearl with daddy. He played like the borderline-talented sons of Pitino, Sutton, and Tubby who went on to be coaches.

I think jomo means who will be third.

B+ is correct.

March 19, 2014 at 10:43 a.m.
JonathanMCook said...

Whoever asked this yesterday, no, I do not use ketchup with Texas BBQ. Although the house blend BBQ sauce where I was at had a strong taste of "Applejacks".

I give Will Wade a solid B for the first year, considering he was having to work with table scraps when compared to the filet mignons Coach Foster was handed (okay, not the best choice of words but you get the idea). I am more interested in year two after 2-3 of Will's own hand-selected recruits come in who can actually run the Chaos program.

Since I don't gamble (at all), this space dedicated to the cows, the chickens, and the hogs of bracketing is about as sexy as reading about the history of European Economics in the Middle Ages. If the XX Mocs win on Saturday, at least we'll have something to talk about on Monday.

March 19, 2014 at 10:56 a.m.
Buschleague said...

5-- Hiring B Pearl is like dating that stripper..lots of fun but lots of dirty.

March 19, 2014 at 11:02 a.m.
Stewwie said...

Wade gets an A for the year. He clearly exceeded expectations (no matter how small or big). A win in the postseason would have moved the grade to an A+.

Wade cared more about doing whatever it took to win each game instead of trying to fully implement his version of Chaos in Year 1 and that's why I think the Mocs succeeded. He had enough talent on this roster to compete in the conference, but he not only competed, he won. Guys played hard last year, but Wade got them to play hard more consistently this year.

This year, there were 12 active players on the roster (10 scholarship and 2 walk-ons). Next year, only 1 (Big Z) is leaving, but Wade is bringing on 6 new guys. With a limit of 13 scholarship players, that means that at least 2 guys on this year's team won't be back. The logical choice to me would be to cut Doyle and Williams. But is that how it works? Can Wade simply cut ties with guys after each season? Otherwise, how will he be able to bring on 6 new guys?

March 19, 2014 at 11:22 a.m.
MocTastic said...

Stewwie...Mocs roster info as of today to the best of my knowledge is that they are only one over for next season. Tre McClean (sp?) has been supposedly and will remain a walkon. With the departure of Z Mason they are as said one over given that. So, without signing any more players they would have to lose one player on scholarship. I could speculate who just as well as you, but time will tell. Now, rumors are we will sign at least one more, if not two more post players. That would put us either two or three over. Then more players would have to go off scholarship.

NCAA sholarships are year to year and have been for decades. Some schools recently have started offering four year scholarships, however they are not many: http://college-football.si.com/2013/04/19/ncaa-multiyear-scholarships/

I would presume that Coach Wade will do as all coaches do, sit down with each player individually and discuss their future. Some players may choose to transfer, they could play immediately in Div II, so as to get more playing time. If injuries/medical are an issue some athletes can be granted a medical scholarship (not the correct term) and be allowed to finish college while not competing.

To sum up, as of right now the Mocs will lose one from their roster of scholarshipped players. With each additional signee one more would have to leave the roster.

MORE: the signing of one year scholarships has been how the SEC has grossly oversigned in football in the past. Each year after signing date they start "running off" players that aren't contributing as much as the coach wants. The SEC recently passed a rule that limited this somewhat, but it is still happening. For example, as of a few weeks ago Alabama still had to "cut" about six players to get the scholarship limit. These players will shown in the press as quitting because of injury or transferring down to get more playing time, but effectively Saban cut them from the team. That his how he, and other college coaches, play the game to keep the maximum talent possible on the team.

March 19, 2014 at 12:08 p.m.
jgreeson said...

From friend of the show StuckinKent First of all, I can't believe you are going against Syracuse after all that. Have some guts! Ride it out! Don't doubt yourself! I'm counting on you! (I have Cuse in the Elite Eight, so I could use a little help here.)

This is a nightmare of a bracket. There is a gut reaction that says that it is going to be really chalky. A lot of favorites survive and advance. Then, I have a second bracket that's more fun to cheer for. That's the one I'm submitting to everyone (though in one pool, I am submitting two with the chalk one and this one), including the billion dollar bracket. There are a few more upsets. I picked ten upsets (upset defined as teams seeded four or more seeds apart). The average is around 9. The average the last three years has been around 11 or 12. So I am going a little chalkier than recent years, but slightly more crazy than average. Biggest first round upset is New Mexico State over San Diego State, because I swore after last year's New Mexico debacle that I would never pick a Mountain West team again. Biggest second round upset? Stanford over Kansas. Kansas without Embiid is going to struggle, and Kansas either goes out early or they go to the Final Four. Every year. Stanford plays New Mexico in the first round (see Mountain West comment above) and it becomes clear why I'm picking Stanford...and also why I have Syracuse in the Elite Eight. (In Buffalo and then playing Stanford? I'll take my chances.)

As for Tiger Woods, I've been saying for a long time that his knee injury was going to derail him from getting to 18 majors. Now, it looks like it is his back. Unfortunately, injuries are part of the greatest of all time discussions, and while Tiger's peak was higher than any golfer's ever, his overall career is going to come up short unless something miraculous happens.

March 19, 2014 at 12:10 p.m.
MocTastic said...

JG, never forget, when you start talking injuries often they are inter-related. Your hurt your knee, you change your swing and hurt your back as a result, or vice versa. A line drive to the foot is often cited as a cause of both Dizzy Dean and Mark Fidyrich getting shoulder/arm problems. They came back too soon from a foot injury and hurt their shoulder/arm from it effecting their throwing motion.

March 19, 2014 at 12:22 p.m.
chas9 said...

Best ever football-basketball duo was UK's Bryant/Rupp. Rest of the Rushmore are UCLA's Prothro/Wooden, Florida's Meyer/Donovan, and Notre Dame's Holtz/Phelps. UT's Dickey/Mears is first team out.

JMC--Just kidding about the ketchup. My tasting of north Texas brisket suggests it needs no sauce.

Stuck--I've got The "Cuse in final four and KU loses second game. Embiid's crucial and the Jayhawks underperform nine tourneys out of ten anyway.

March 19, 2014 at 12:30 p.m.
WilliamRscott said...

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled, Thrilled, THRILLED that WW is the HC of the XY Mocs, but I would grade the year a solid B. [Not sure what a solid B is, since I had so few in my 6 years at UTC.] 12-5 in the SoCon is good, but the league is one of the worst in the country. This season's non-conference Division I record: 3-10; and the Mocs lost 7 of the last 11. Next season will be much better, but as they say on TV, #s don't lie.

1st # 1 out: Wichita. Last surviving double-digit seed: Tennessee. Why UT? None of you will pick them + Jeff Sagarin ranks them # 25.

Billy-In-Brainerd

March 19, 2014 at 12:45 p.m.
chas9 said...

On the subject of too many players, Kentucky will have one too many if nobody goes pro. (But that's not happening.) And they've begun talking with UNLV grad Bryce Dejean-Jones, who's not good enough to balance out his bad chemistry. He's gotten into trouble at two schools so far.

Looks like The Uniblocker was ready for the NBA. Last six games he's averaging 32 points, 14 boards, and 3 blocks, while hitting 33 straight FT's. And AD picks UK to win the big dance.

Billy--I went with Wichita and St. Joe's, but UT may be a better pick, since St. Joe's plays that second game earlier than The Vols. I think. Who are your final four?

What's the oddest nickname in the tournament? Jaspers? Billikens? Great Danes? Terriers? Any other teams named for a particular breed of dog (besides the overused Bulldogs)?

March 19, 2014 at 12:55 p.m.
jgreeson said...

Gang —

Great stuff today. We'll have the first run of entries for the Challenge around 4 p.m. today.

Here are some items of interest:

We are starting to second-guess our bracket pretty bad, especially since the President has the same Final Four. (And this is not about politics as much as it is about specialty. We watch a fair amount of college hoops. He watches a fair amount of global policy shows. If he found out his approach to a land war in East Asia was similar to ours, well, he'd likely rethink his.)

Jomo, not sure who is going to finish second to you, but Vegas has Wells a 6-to-1 pick and Paschall a 13-to-2 pick.

Titanic, swap Swingers for Clay Pigeons and we're on the same page. Although Vaughn's turn in Anchorman is pretty strong. And he was great in Be Cool, the sequel to Get Shorty with Travolta and Co.

Buschleaguer, well-played indeed.

JMC, good to hear you have your condiments classified properly, and while the tournament does not fit with everyone, we know there will be tons to discuss Monday. It's a fun time of year.

As for Wade and the Mocs in Y1 of WW era, we kind of agree with the numbers Billy in Brainerd pitched. We'd add a + to the B for exceeding expectations — both on the floor and off.

9er, that was our Rushmore on Press Row on Tuesday. We went with Rupp/Bryant, Spurrier/Coach K, Meyer/Donovan and Wooden/Dick Vermiel.

MT, excellent point about the chain-reaction of injuries. Bill Walton is another guy that came back from the foot injury too soon and led to a career plagued by them.

Dawg, swing by any time — don't cost nothin'.

March 19, 2014 at 1:01 p.m.
chas9 said...

Vermeil's a good pick, but I'll stay with Tennessee-born, former Vandy coach Prothro. In his two seasons, Vermeil went 6-3-2 and 9-2-1. Prothro had two two-loss seasons and two one-loss seasons.

Forgot about the Spurrier/Coach K duo. Kind of amazing that two of the Rushmore of dynamic duos were at football doormats Duke and Kentucky.

March 19, 2014 at 1:18 p.m.
WilliamRscott said...

C-Niner: Since you asked, [I don't enter bracket pools; I just call Buddy-the-Bookie-in-Brainerd, but you didn't ask that.] I will give you a 1, a 2, a 3 + a 4 in the Final 4: Florida, Villanova, Creighton + Louisville.

Stupid me: Sagarin gives Iowa a rating of 17. That said, what about a 'biggest upset of the tourney' contest. My entry: Tennessee over Dook. And Cun-zo gets an extension.

Billy-In-Brainerd

March 19, 2014 at 1:33 p.m.
BIspy4 said...
  1. Pearl can't lose at Auburn. It's a win-win for him. They've been so moribund for so long, him just getting off the airplane was a win for the War Eagle Nation.

  2. First 1 done is Arizona. Last double digit seed left is NC State. T.J. Warren can play, y'all.

  3. Vince Vaughn Rushmore? Swingers

Anchorman

Dodgeball

The Break-Up (mainly because of Jennifer Aniston. But he was pretty good in that, too)

5, what in the world is up with the Web site now? I have to subscribe just to comment after I used up my free visits? I knew there was a meter for the site but I didn't know this was coming. Hmmph.

I'll figure that Vince found a spare visor, a box of birthday cards to send to recruits and the Sex in the City DVD collection.

March 19, 2014 at 1:40 p.m.
Stewwie said...

MT, thanks for the info. I have no problem with the year-to-year deal, though I think some limitations sound reasonable. It must be remembered that players are there first and foremost to get an education and for some (most?) collegiate b-ball players, the scholarship is their best way to achieve that. On the other hand, if a player were to get a multi-year scholarship and slack off the entire time, that's not really fair to the coach to have to keep him around.

I did not realize that McClean will be a walk-on. Didn't Wade say that some days, McClean and Tuoyo were the two best players in practice? Wow. Sounds like a steal. Would McClean be the best walk-on at UTC since Wes Moore?

No surprise then that Wade might pursue one more player before the ball tips off for next season. If he pursues any more than that, I think Stokes and Robertson would be on the short list to either become a walk-on or head out of the program (along with Doyle and Williams). Just my guess. Will be interesting to see how everything plays out over the next few months.

March 19, 2014 at 1:49 p.m.
titanic said...

Jay, got to stick with Clay Pigeons (one of my cult favorites). Too many "That's Money" lines in Swingers.

March 19, 2014 at 2:22 p.m.
GratefulDawg said...

Buschleague, this stripper you speak of...Is she the one that paints herself orange and tells Ku Klux Klan jokes? I believe her name was Bambi Pearls. I heard she has one of the best finger rolls in the game...

March 19, 2014 at 3:02 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

I'd say Michigan State has a pretty good football/basketball coaching combo going right now with Dantonio/Izzo.

March 19, 2014 at 3:29 p.m.
MocTastic said...

Stewwie, I have heard that McLean will definitely contribute next year, might not start, but will have important minutes. Quickly thinking,yes he would be best walkon since Wes Moore. Mocs have had some good ones, Moore, Isaac Connor, the kid from Baylor who was a good three point shooter whose name I can't remember.

The way I understand the rules are that once you have recruited a kid and signed them you can't turn them into a walkon in future years. You could take scholarship money away from them, but they would still be what is called a "counter" against your scholarship limit of 13. If you never recruit a kid and they just basically show up, you can keep them and not count them. If this is correct, then Stokes/Robertson/et al could not become walkons with respect to not counting against the number of 13. I really do expect one more post player with an outside shot of 2 being signed.

Some high school McLean video for your pleasure:

His bio from last year, he was not dominant in Div II, so I don't think he will be at UTC, but he will contribute I understand.

http://www.queensathletics.com/roster.aspx?rp_id=1603

March 19, 2014 at 3:33 p.m.
GratefulDawg said...

The TFP's little smart pill machine is sending mixed signals today. I was ready to set up an account as I was informed that my freeloading days are over. Now, everything is just as it was before. What in the name of Herschel Walker and all things holy is going on around here? Is there a secret handshake? Do I need a decoder ring? Will the paper carrier that runs the route where I live leave a password in a Mason jar under Funkenwagnel's porch?

If I was a fan of mixed signals and mood swings, I'd still be married.

March 19, 2014 at 3:46 p.m.
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